I know it has been ages since I share my thoughts and writings here. I have been busy coping with motherhood. It is definitely not an easy task. It’s darn hard and you need to be strong yourself. You cannot be too mushy otherwise, you’ll be like me. Hihih. Dah jadi mak orang pun kememe lagi! :p
I wanted to publish this post ever since Kamilia was born! Dari sehari ke sehari :D So, here it goes, it’s a long one though! I wanna write it in detail so that, Kamilia knows when actually she gave us the sign! Hee.
17th October 2010: Mak called me up from her pasar trip with Ayah, ajak me and my husband to join them for breakfast in - about 15 minutes drive from my parents place. Since, I have the cravings for quite a while for the roti canai so, we went. Masa nak mandi that morning, I noticed some brownish stain on my panty liner. Oh,through the end of my pregnancy, I usually wear the liners so that- kalau keluar tanda, senang sikit nak cam. So, wear yours ok! :p But, I didn’t freaked out. I was calm still.
Masa nak keluar rumah, I told my husband ‘Eh, kat panty- liner I ada brownish stains la... macam dah ada sign je…’ So, he asked me ‘Sakit ke? Dah nak bersalin? Tanya la Mak macam mana’ But, I didn’t tell my mom straight away tapi, otak duk ligat fikir-‘ Oh, cool gak kalau bersalin hari ni. Nasib baik hari Ahad, laki aku ada’. Kui kui kui.
Sampai je kat kedai tu, I told my mom. ‘Mak, I had brownish stains on my panty liner. Is that the sign?’ Mak Tanya; ‘Brownish stain as the end of your period punya discharge? Ye la tu… Ada sakit ke?’ So, Mak suggested for me to go to the clinic soon after the breakfast. Jadinya, makan la roti telur sekeping plus, roti kosong dengan air milo… :D FYI, I had the intention of eating at the place for quite a while. So, that was it.
Dah tu, masa nak berjalan towards the car… I felt something gushing out of me. It felt like when the blood came out; masa kita period. It felt weird sebab, dah 9 bulan tak period kan… but, I kept walking. Tak cakap pun… masa dah nak sampai rumah tu… I felt more liquid were gushing out. Siap duduk senget sebab tanak car seat basah. Haha. Sampai je rumah, I went into the toilet to check. And so it was.. . my panties were wet and ada one tiny drop of blood. When I told Mak, she said, ‘betul la tu air ketuban… pergi je clinic & bring your stuffs.’ She wanted to come with me but, all the ikan, daging and all the things she bought kat pasar tak habis kemaskan so, she told me to go first and she will come afterwards with Ayah.
So my husband drove off to the clinic and informed my mil while we were on our way. Dia pun nak ikut so, my husband said that we’ll be picking her up after going to the clinic. Sampai je klinik, I was the only person there so, cepat la… when I went in, the doctor checked the pad I was wearing. Masa ni dah pakai pad sebab, there were more & more water coming out of me. She had then identified the liquid soaked were the air ketuban. So, she checked my opening. That was the first time ever I had the doctor doing that! Sakit la jugak. But, I tried to stay calm. Masa tu, boleh lagi recall the breathing techniques masa belajar dalam antenatal class. Hahaha. After that, dia confirmkan that there were no opening yet but told me to go to the hospital sebab air ketuban dah keluar. Takut baby lemas. So, off we went- after picking up my mil.
When we reached the hospital, we were told to go straight to Kamar Bersalin. Dapat la kawan baru. Haha. Dah kata serah diri kat GH, alamatnye… I had to wait till petang- around 3pm baru lah I was oficially warded. Before that, I had to wait for the nurse to check on me, the doctor… the nurse again, the doctor. Oh yes, when the doctor checked my opening again- and found I was still not dilated, she gave me options for my case. After 12 hour of the leaking, they’ll have to induce me. Then, they’ll wait for a couple of hours and, if tak de opening jugak, they’ll give me the second dose. All should be done before 24 hours dari the first leak. Otherwise, kalau takde jugak opening and I wouldn’t give birth after 24hours, then we’ll have to opt for c-sec. I was like ‘Okay… gila scary nak bersalin ni’. Huhu. But, it was wayyy seram when she told me about the risks. Hahah. Padahal, she was only giving the worst case scenario. Tapi, I went to wonder ‘Padan la kalau perempuan meninggal masa bersalin tu would considered as berjihad. It’s a matter of life and death…’
Once I was settled down in the ward, my husband kena pi cari KFC for me. Hahah. That was the last thing I had in mind before nak go through the pain and berpantang. But, I was in no pain at all at this time. I had frequent contractions but never the consistent ones. If it weren’t for the air ketuban yang dok keluar while walking, I would have gone lari pergi window shopping jap ke.. kan? :p at this time, I just don’t feel like walking with water coming out of me. I had to change into new kain like 5 kali before the night sets in. While sitting alone in the bed, I’ve started reciting all the ayat- ayat and doa- doa for me to go through the process successfully. At this time, I started to feel like I’m dying, terrified but, excited at the same time.
My parents and mil came to visit me, bawakkan air kembang semangkuk, apa ntah they call the thing. Anyway, I dah minum se-tupperware tu pun, there were still no consistent contraction. By right, 8.30pm, I should be called for my 1st induce. Tapi, langsung takde. There was no nurse to check the opening ke hape. It’s not that I was in pain, but… I was more like ‘cepat lah weh, I just wanna get over it’ bole? Huhu.
I waited and waited… takde pape. No pain, still. It was 9pm when I feel the consistency of the contractions but… it was not the strong ones. Masa ni, dah sedikit bersemangat. I was like ‘alhamdulillah… its coming!’ tapi, it was merely an hour je. By 10 something, dia dah tak consistent balik. Sedih! I started sms-ing my close family and friends. Minta restu and forgiveness. Masa hantar sms tu, I couldn’t stop crying. I was literally scared! I can’t imagine the actual pain and complications! All this time, I was only praying for the baby to be delivered safely and, healthy but… never mind me. If that’s that’s the price I have to pay, I’d rather risk my life. Yes, yes. It sounds like a cliché, but... That’s how I felt.
It was almost midnight; my husband, parents and mil were still waiting for me. I told my parents and mil to go home first sebab, kesian diorang! There were no comfortable places to sit pun. Huhu. And, my dear husband kept checking on me all the time. Tak tidur or had any rest since. Poor him! My parents and mil finally went home at around 1am. Then only, I told my husband to get some rest. So, he decided to take a nap in the car.
I was hungry and tired but, I could not get my eyes to sleep. It was 3am when I had just dozed off, the nurse woke me up. Dia kata, labor room baru ada vacant. Hahha. See? Kat GH, you have to wait for your turn unless… you’re in a super special case or have had emergency ones, baru boleh dapat priority. So, I was given the meds to pass motion, changed into new clothes… and, off I went to the labor room. When I was being pushed into the labor room and, not having my husband with me… I felt totally lost for a while. It felt like walking into an outer space or something. Tapi, sedih la… macam nak berpisah terus. Hukhuk.
I was placed in a room and the nurse had put the CTG thingie on my tummy to monitor the baby’s heart beat. Honestly, I hate that thing. Its sounds scary! Huhu. I had to wait for the doctor to come and check the opening again. The whole process took more than an hour! Ok?! It was 4.41am when I was told that I was 4cm dilated. So, the doctor said, tak payah induced, I told my husband and we were kindda relieved sebab the doctor said, tak perlu induced. Masa ni pun, I felt no pain, contractions biasa je. Its just that, I felt so tired and sleepy and, hungry! But, I heard screams and cries of orang lain yang nak bersalin. I was terrified ok!? Tak tau how will I be when my time would come. So, knowing that it would take hours more to go, I told my husband to take a nap before Subuh prayers. I was then transferred another labor room. Kamar bersalin No 3 to be exact.
I felt sleepy but, as soon as the Subuh’s azan were calling, I started to feel the strong contractions. Tapi, kejap- kejap. They offered me to take a jab; a tranquilizer that promote rest and relieve anxiety. I was very sure not to take the epidural but, this was not the epi. It was merely a tranquillizer that may help the dilation to be faster. At 6.00am, they gave me a shot of it. I was kindda exhausted, starving and was thirsty to death! I asked them if I could eat something as my energy was wearing off. Rasa macam dah tak larat sangat! But, they said I couldn’t. Masa tu nak nangis. Oh well, memang I was in tears the whole day long. Haha. My eyes started to feel sleepy but, the strong contractions had just starting to build up.
At almost seven o’clock; the next morning, I could barely lay still. I had to toss and turn all the time. Sakit sangat! When they called my husband in at 7 something, I barely stayed awake. Tak larat nak bukak mata dah. Nak tidur. Boleh?! Hehehe. But honestly, I felt the urge to push dah. But the nurses kept reminding me, not to, because I was not fully dilated and they don’t want the baby to be stuck. Masa my husband came in, he tried to get pictures of me. Ada ke patut suruh pandang camera? Haha. I was in serious pain at the time, boleh pulak dia ‘Sayang, pandang sini’ At that moment, I felt like screaming ‘Nooo!’ haha. But, to come and think of it now…. Kelakar la my husband. I know he was just trying to capture the moment. But, am so sorry sayang… :p I can only squeeze his hand hard to say it. But he was there all along. Reminded me to beristighfar banyak- banyak, baca doa Nabi Yunus. Over and over again- in my ears. Masa tu, I can only recite whatever he says. The pain was so real, I felt like, I could not remember other things at the moment. I just couldn’t. Rasa macam nak mati. Sampaikan masa I was tossing and turning; the ECG wires dah tercabut coz I could not lay still anymore.
It was almost 8am when they found me about 9cm dilated. I had my third stage of labor around 8.10am (I read the time in my hospitalization report- sementara tunggu doctor masuk) haha. But honestly, I could only register having a bunch of people coming into the room and say ‘dia dah nak bersalin’. ‘it’s time’. Seriously, there a crowd of people around me at the time. Masa tu, there were no word of ‘shame’ in my vocabulary. Lantak la orang nak kata apa. Huhu.
I remember to hold my legs so I would not put my butt up. Tu aja yang ingatI ingat kena angat kepala when it comes to pushing tapi, when I pushed, I tend to tilt my head back. Nasib baik la my husband was there. He was the one who kept my head up all the time. And he was there saying things like ‘come- on sayang, I know you can do this…! Come on!’ Hahaha. Ye, suami saya sangat comel dalam labour room. :p pastu, I remember the crowd said ‘push dik. Sikit lagi! Dah nampak kepala baby.. come on!’. ‘Push kak, jangan lepas… push, push, push!’ hahaha. I had to pause pushing a couple of times sebab I was so drained out, my lips were so dry that my husband had to help me sip some water. Kamilia sayang, it was painful to get you out, when I felt you gushed out at 8.26am, they were like ‘yeay, dah keluar’! When I had her out, my husband said ‘you did it, sayang!’and when he kissed my forehead, I felt like crying! Literally because… its over, the baby’s out! Rasa macam cepat and it felt like a dream sebab I felt so sleepy sampai nak tertidur. Hahaha.
When the nurse placed her in my arms the first time, I was soooooooooooooo touched! She was small but so adorable! I knew I love her since. Ni barulah love at first sight! :DThough she was screaming and crying, I said ‘Assalamualaikum sayang’ she was like the real teddy bear that I get to hold. Suka! But, I was so exhausted! I was so worn out that, I could not utter anything more. Huhu. My husband was told to take up the wuduk sebab nak azankan baby then.
That was it. That was the time I’ve delivered my precious little princess. Now, I know why God had actually ‘letak’ syuga bawah tapak kai ibu. Huhuhu. You could not imagine the phase of it. Semua orang lain- lain. I was lucky to be able to deliver my baby in a normal way. No c- sect nor the induced thinggie. I only felt the strong contraction for a couple of hours and, was dilating fast. Though nak tunggu the first opening macam sangat lambat… but, the rest was kindda easy la. I had to agree that the strong contractions were the painful ones. Nak bersalin tu tak rasa apa sangat kot but, having an epi wound is sure sakit lah. Terasa kena gunting okeh! *;*
So, to Kamilia darling, when you read this someday… See, how hard it was to get you out but, mark my word… there’s nothing in the world that I want to trade it off with the experience I had in delivering you into this world. J To my husband; I could have not done it without you. You were there through it all. I could never repay you for that and, to my parents and mil… you’re the greatest of all! Muchas gracias! J
Till then, later folks! :)